Hank’s Headlines

The%20State%20Highway%20Patrol%20says%20that%20Missouri%20is%20now%20officially%20the%20methamphetamine%20capital%20of%20America.%20No%20word%20yet%20if%20the%20Kansas%20City%20Chiefs%20will%20change%20the%20name%20of%20Arrowhead%20Stadium%20to%20Meth-Head%20Meadows.

George%20Michael%20ripped%20into%20a%20fringe%20Christian%20group%20that%20prayed%20for%20him%20to%20die%20while%20hospitalized%20in%20Vienna.%20Look%2C%20people.%20Wham%21%20broke%20up%20decades%20ago.%20GET%20OVER%20IT%21

Snooki%20is%20getting%20a%20boob%20job.%20This%20way%20she%20can%20blame%20the%20breasts%20next%20time%20she%20topples%20over%20drunk.

Kim%20Kardashian%20will%20be%20making%20her%20sitcom%20debut%20on%20Tim%20Allen%27s%20new%20show%20Last%20Man%20Standing.%20It%27s%20the%20episode%20where%20Tim%20jumps%20a%20shark.%20

A%20new%20painkiller%20is%20coming%20out%20in%202013%20that%27s%20ten%20times%20stronger%20than%20Vicodin.%20Thank%20goodness%20Dr.%20Conrad%20Murray%20is%20in%20jail.

West%20Virginia%20HUMILATED%20Clemson%20in%20the%20Orange%20Bowl%2070-33.%20How%20embarrassing%3F%20Clemson%20students%20are%20now%20telling%20strangers%20they%20go%20to%20Penn%20State.

Pope%20Benedict%20has%20appointed%20a%20group%20of%2022%20new%20cardinals.%20And%20the%20really%20good%20news%3F%20Tony%20LaRussa%20has%20agreed%20to%20manage%20the%20team.

Police%20in%20Seattle%20this%20week%20arrested%20a%20driver%20who%20dressed%20up%20a%20plastic%20skeleton%20as%20his%20passenger%20in%20order%20to%20skip%20traffic%20by%20driving%20in%20the%20carpool%20lane.%20The%20driver%20was%20ticketed%20for%20speeding%2C%20making%20unsafe%20lane%20changes%20and%20the%20carpool%20lane%20violation%2C%20and%20the%20skeleton%20was%20charged%20with%20impersonating%20Mary%20Kate%20and%20Ashley%20Olsen.

A%20garbage%20dump%20in%20Portland%2C%20Oregon%2C%20was%20so%20besieged%20with%20seagulls%2C%20they%20had%20to%20bring%20in%20falcons%20to%20chase%20the%20sea%20birds%20away.%20How%20do%20they%20get%20rid%20of%20the%20falcons%3F%20Just%20bring%20in%20the%20New%20York%20Giants.

Stunning%20news%20out%20of%20New%20Hampshire.%20In%20a%20dramatic%20last-minute%20surge%20in%20the%20polls%2C%20Mitt%20Romney%20was%20knocked%20off%20by%20Tim%20Tebow.

Someone%20tried%20to%20pin%20a%20Romney%20button%20on%20Newt%20Gingrich%20and%20he%20yelled%20out%2C%20%22Get%20your%20Mitts%20off%20me%21%22%20%20

A%20new%20book%20claims%20that%20Britain%27s%20Queen%20Elizabeth%20intends%20to%20stay%20on%20the%20throne%20until%20she%20dies.%20Well%2C%20that%27s%20where%20they%20found%20Elvis.%20Oh...%20different%20throne.%20My%20bad...

Miss%20Wisconsin%20won%20the%20Miss%20American%20pageant%20Saturday%20night.%20Like%20Tim%20Tebow%2C%20she%20said%20she%20owed%20everything%20to%20cheeses.

Tim%20Tebow%20spent%20most%20of%20Saturday%20night%27s%20game%20on%20the%20run.%20The%20last%20time%20that%20many%20people%20chased%20a%20Bronco%2C%20O.J.%20Simpson%20was%20driving.

Celebrity%20chef%20Paula%20Dean%20has%20come%20down%20with%20type%202%20diabetes.%20You%20didn%27t%20have%20to%20be%20Nostradamus%20to%20see%20that%20coming.

Turns%20out%20Tim%20Tebow%20was%20hurt%20during%20Saturday%27s%20blowout.%20MRI%20shows%20a%20severely%20injured%20pride.

Well%20if%20it%20was%20good%20enough%20for%20Hines%20Ward...sexy%20pro%20dancer%20Karina%20Smirnoff%20wants%20Tim%20Tebow%20to%20compete%20on%20Dancing%20with%20the%20Stars.%20Fitting%20since%20her%20Playboy%20spread%20had%20plenty%20of%20men%20saying%2C%20%22My%20GOD%21%22%20

Kenny%20G%27s%20wife%20has%20filed%20for%20divorce.%20Lyndie%20Benson-Gorelick%20is%20asking%20for%20only%20one%20thing%3A%20%22Please%20make%20that%20music%20stop%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%21%22

Kobe%20Bryant%20has%20turned%20over%20three%20properties%20worth%20%2418.8-million-dollars%20to%20his%20ex-wife%20Vanessa%20as%20part%20of%20their%20divorce%20settlement.%20The%20properties%20Kobe%20turned%20over%20were%20his%20first%20girlfriend%27s%20house%2C%20his%20second%20girlfriend%27s%20house%2C%20and%20a%20house%20belonging%20to%20a%20girlfriend%20to%20be%20named%20later.%20%20

Kristin%20Cavallari%20and%20Chicago%20Bears%20Quarterback%20Jay%20Cutler%20are%20expecting%20their%20first%20child%20together.%20Now%20we%20know%20what%20he%20likes%20to%20do%20in%20the%20off-season.

AFC%20Championship%20-%20Baltimore%20Ravens%20v%20New%20England%20Patriots

Disneyland%20employees%20will%20now%20be%20allowed%20to%20wear%20goatees%20and%20beards%2C%20but%20the%20duck%20continues%20to%20go%20without%20pants

Lady%20Gaga%27s%20parents%20have%20opened%20an%20Italian%20restaurant%20in%20Manhattan.%20Just%20don%27t%20ask%20where%20they%20get%20their%20meat%20from.

Kim%20Kardashian%20Tweeted%20that%20she%20wants%20to%20start%20a%20Bible%20study%20group%20with%20her%20friends.%20I%20guess%20I%20already%20knew%20she%20was%20religious%20from%20that%20one%20video%20where%20she%20keeps%20saying%2C%20%22Oh%2C%20God...%20Oh%2C%20God...%20%22%20%20

59-year-old%20David%20Hasselhoff%20has%20proposed%20for%20the%205th%20time.%20Apparently%20he%27s%20going%20for%20the%20Larry%20King%20Award.

Snoop%20Dogg%20has%20endorsed%20Ron%20Paul%20for%20president.%20Snoop%20says%20%22He%20made%20a%20good%20pope.%20Why%20wouldn%27t%20he%20be%20a%20great%20president%3F%22

The%20Spice%20Girls%20are%20hinting%20that%20they%20may%20reunite%20if%20the%20conditions%20are%20right.%20Although%20I%20don%27t%20believe%20we%20should%20give%20in%20to%20terrorist%20demands.

Police%20in%20Georgia%20are%20considering%20charges%20against%20a%2026-year-old%20man%20who%20accidentally%20shot%20himself%20in%20the%20leg%20while%20reloading%20his%20pistol%20at%20a%20gun%20show.%20He%20could%20be%20charged%20with%20illegally%20possessing%20a%20loaded%20weapon%20at%20a%20gun%20show%2C%20unlawfully%20discharging%20a%20firearm%20and%20impersonating%20Plaxico%20Burress.

Congratulations%20to%20the%20New%20York%20Giants%20for%20beating%20the%20New%20England%20Patriots%20at%20the%20Super%20Bowl%20in%20Indianapolis.%20At%20the%20end%20of%20the%20game%2C%20Eli%20Manning%20said%20he%20was%20going%20to%20Disney%20World...and%20Peyton%20Manning%20said%20he%20was%20going%20to%20the%20Miami%20Dolphins.

A%20Texas%20golfer%20was%20stabbed%20in%20the%20leg%20by%20the%20shaft%20of%20a%20broken%20putter%20when%20an%20argument%20ensued%20between%20two%20groups%20of%20players%20about%20one%20group%20playing%20the%20course%20too%20slowly.%20To%20summarize%2C%20all%20the%20other%20golfers%20are%20fine%2C%20but%20there%20was%20a%20hole%20in%20one.

It%27s%20so%20hard%20to%20keep%20up.%20Ten%20years%20ago%2C%20if%20I%20had%20said%20%22Adelle%2C%22%20you%20would%20have%20thought%20I%20was%20talking%20about%20a%20computer.

After%20Tom%20Brady%27s%20supermodel%20wife%20Gisele%20Bundchen%20criticized%20his%20teammates%20for%20losing%20the%20Super%20Bowl%2C%20a%20lot%20of%20Patriot%20fans%20wrote%20on%20Internet%20chat%20boards%20that%20Gisele%20looks%20like%20a%20man.%20Apparently%2C%20Patriot%20fans%20suffer%20from%20the%20same%20vision%20problems%20that%20their%20wide%20receivers%20do.

Chuck%20Norris%20has%20endorsed%20Newt%20Gingrich%20for%20president%20because%20America%20needs%20%22a%20veteran%20of%20political%20war%20who%20has%20already%20fought%20Goliath.%22%20Sorry%2C%20Chuck.%20Newt%20doesn%27t%20look%20like%20he%20fought%20Goliath%3B%20he%20looks%20like%20he%20swallowed%20him.

Charlie%20Sheen%20says%20he%27s%20tired%20of%20%22lying%22%20that%20Ashton%20Kutcher%20doesn%27t%20suck.%20%20Eh-ah-Charlie%2C%20I%20believe%20Demi%20has%20enough%20problems%20of%20her%20own.

Khloe%20Kardashian%20and%20her%20husband%20Lamar%20Odom%20broke%20a%20sex%20swing%20when%20they%20were%20trying%20it%20out%20for%20the%20first%20time.%20In%20a%20related%20story%2C%20I%27d%20rather%20not%20know.

With%20the%20price%20of%20a%20barrel%20of%20oil%20going%20through%20the%20roof%2C%20Republicans%20are%20demanding%20that%20president%20Obama%20begin%20more%20drilling%20offshore.%20Hey%2C%20if%20it%20will%20bring%20gas%20prices%20down%2C%20I%20don%27t%20care%20if%20we%20start%20drilling%20Pauly%20Shore.

Things%20I%20think%20about.%20%20Do%20you%20think%2C%20when%20Bill%20Gates%20was%20a%20young%20kid%2C%20he%20ever%20brought%20his%20teacher%20an%20Apple%3F%20%20

I%20went%20and%20saw%20%22The%20Artist%22%20the%20other%20night.%20It%20wasn%27t%20exactly%20a%20silent%20movie%20--%20I%20heard%20at%20least%20three%20cell%20phones%20go%20off%21

Snooki%20is%20pregnant.%20For%20more%20details%2C%20read%20the%20last%20chapter%20of%20Revelations.

Last%20week%2C%20a%2095-year-old%20woman%20married%20a%2098-year-old%20man%20to%20become%20the%20world%27s%20oldest%20newlyweds.%20They%27re%20spending%20their%20honeymoon%20getting%20from%20the%20church%20to%20the%20car.%20%20

The%20comedian%20Gallagher%20is%20in%20guarded%20condition%20after%20suffering%20a%20heart%20attack%20at%20a%20Texas%20nightclub.%20This%20is%20bad%20news%20for%20Gallagher%27s%20family%20and%20Gallagher%27s%20fans%2C%20but%20great%20news%20for%20watermelons.